our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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