I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
