the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
