from now on my penis is your penis
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
