Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
