she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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