for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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