Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You smell like stripper and shame
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
