I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
