I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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