yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
