He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
