...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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