are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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