oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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