just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
