I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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