1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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