I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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