Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Hippo gnu deer
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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