I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
