I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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