i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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