Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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