I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
