I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
