Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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