Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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