Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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