Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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