sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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