did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
