Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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