Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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