Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
