In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
