Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
