you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
