I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This baby is an asshole
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
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We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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