"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
