i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
