Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
