its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
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..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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