i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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