Umm I'm too high to move.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
