im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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