I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
