Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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