i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
