our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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