I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
