He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
