I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
