i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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