She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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